Wednesday, 18 July 2007

"Happily Ever After" ..myth or mission ?

Most of us know the fairy tale where the prince rescues the damsel in distress and they ride off into the sunset to a place called "Happily Ever After." Many of us think, in some way, that there is truth to this insipid tale.

But its just a mirage. We see many marriages fail even before they take off.
We can only analyse the reasons and give solutions to the problems.
We argue that girls should equip themselves with a career and be financially independent.
But sadly , in many cases even though there are no financial worries , the break-up itself takes it toll on the people involved.

Everyone enters into a marriage with expectations about how the marriage will satisfy his or her needs. Problems arise when these expectations go unmet and feelings of disappointment start to seep in.

Therefore, it is very important that one is prepared to face the worst if things go wrong. Why is it assumed that once the marriage is over , everything will fall into place ? It has to be understood that there is many a slip between the lip and the cup and that it can take any route.

A person should be taught to enter the threshold of marriage with an open mind , prepared to face the harsh realities and not to succumb to depression when failure strikes.
It should be taught that its not the be all and end all of life.

67 comments:

Voracious Blog Reader said...

Hi Shree,

Happy to read the awaited post.

Voracious Blog Reader

Sree's Views said...

Helllooo Partner :)
I was feeling guilty that I did not post anything.
actually my mind was a complete blank and I had nothing to write.
I just came across an incident that prompted this post :)

Thanks a tonne , Koootaalee :)
Sooo nice of u :)

Voracious Blog Reader said...

Hey Pangaali,

//
Thanks a tonne , Koootaalee :)
Sooo nice of u :)
//

Welcome. Indhaango, ungalukaaga kondakadalai sundal. :)

Voracious Blog Reader

Sree's Views said...

Kootaalee...
kondakadalai sundalaaa...

slurp slurp...

and I also like kondakadalai + brinjal kuzhambu :)
adhukku 'match' kootu :)

Ankur said...

and i have a feeling that in arranged marriage people are more tolerant.

Sree's Views said...

that in arranged marriage people are more tolerant.//

u r right , Ankur. They come with an open mind and with a lot of curiousity about the other person.
The main thing here is that they come with a commitment.

vatsan said...

unglukku kalyana aasai vandacha? eppo kalyanam?

Sree's Views said...

Hey Vatsaa
Maapillai kidaicha udaney ;)

nitin said...

Its all abt tolerance level..

2day women are empowered and that is causing the main problem...

An earning women is more prone to start a quarrel over things than a housewife..bcos of her multitasking..also men cant take their ego down over many issues..

We are moving in the same way like US..A sharp..intelligent 6 digit salary women will not stand harasment or any ill treatment(tolerance level is less) compared to a small town girl..

She will just ask for a divorce..

we can't really help this..Its so personal..some women are doing well but...in general problems can occur..

Sree's Views said...

NITIN

Hey Nitin,

we can't really help this..Its so personal..some women are doing well but...in general problems can occur.. //
yes..but what happens is in many cases the girls esp , get very depressed and feel that their lives have come to a standstill.
That is what I am concerned about.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shree

Nice & useful post regarding Today's Marraige.

Shree- Both the spouse should sacrifice small things for the big benefit.

As you said they should not have too much expectations. They should be prepared to take new responsbilities, burdens.

It would be better if both of them exchange their desires,tastes, plans, hopes very well during the marraige discussions.

But still 90% of the maraiges are successfull & happy in India, only 10% is failure.

Probably Globalisation will change this trend as well.

Ramji Nellai

Same thing happen in job also, when you join a new company you will love so much during honey moon (Induction, Training) period and immediately after your 1st salary you will start looking next company.

Sree's Views said...

RAMJI

Hello Ramji
Welcome here :)

Ramji...there are so many adjustments and sacrifices that has to be done to make a marriage a success.
But I have noticed that inspite of all good intentions , some problems cannot be compromised and divorce is the only solution.
To put it simply , taking a divorce may be better than living in such bad marriages.
I am trying to say that the parties involved should learn to cope with the failure and not mess up their lives by sulking forever.
And getting into it with less expectations and a bold attitude may help.



Same thing happen in job also, when you join a new company you will love so much during honey moon (Induction, Training) period and immediately after your 1st salary you will start looking next company. //
oh ok :))

thanks , Ramji :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Sree

Thanks for your reply.

There are two thoughts available.

1. To get Divorse and both the parties live happily.

2. To make sacrifices and continue that married life with struggles.

Bloggers may suggest which option is better.

Ramji Nellai

amitscorpio said...

my very small observation, if you start expecting less in life you would be much happier than today!!!

Voracious Blog Reader said...

Shreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,

First message !

Voracious Blog Reader

Adiya said...

:) eppadi neeinga chinna payana scar pannuringa..

experiment pannittu solluran.. i donna have much comment on this..


"Life is to Live with people and not Leave"

Adiya said...

tag parthain.. theriyala enna podurathu innu. let me try to wrap not sure though. same same blankness :)

otherwise how islife ?

krystyna said...

Hi!
I want to wish you the best!
And Congratulations!!!
You write wonderful posts.

Sree's Views said...

RAMJI

Hey Ramji

There are two thoughts available.

1. To get Divorse and both the parties live happily.

2. To make sacrifices and continue that married life with struggles.//

I think the first is better :)

Thiru said...

hey sri,

Nature evolved love and sex, but not the marriage. I believe marriage is an arrangement developed by human society which is in existence for the past few centuries and it is just a fraction compared to several millennia of existence of humans. I guess when we reach a society wherein equality among men and women emerges like existence of air in the atmosphere, it will come up with a best model to live up with the longing to share love between the couple.

BTW does this comment correspond to your post?!

saravansivan said...

Disturbances or dissappointments in a married life may not be a permanent phenomenon for the priorities and expectations change from time to time as we sail through different weather and cover distance..i believe in "poruthar boomi alwar.."After all life is always beautiful and no one is a loser here..idhu oru test match ndradhu ennudaiya thaazhmaayaana karuthu..

Curious said...

Allo thr...

Myth-o Mission-o… marriages (love or arranged) have become tuff with the present lifestyle…

Love, patience, respect, tolerance… sacrifice… nu namba 'thought for the day’s'le keta ella characteristics um apply panna… all marriages (no matter which kind) will obviously become good marriages… But who truly has em' all?

Indha panbu's laam iruko illayo..Kandipa..edhadhu oru vidhathule.. "regret" mattum kandipaa ella marriages liyum iruku!

Jeevan said...

Open talk is better before going into marrage i feel!
good write up sree:)

priya said...

Just becoz someone is committed to another person in the name of marriage, it doesn't mean love stays forever. It can also fade when you become distant in
relationship, thoughts and how its wave length.

Leave alone all the societal problems of dowry, abuse everything.

Its basically between a a man and a woman and it leads is shining path in the first days and only realization comes to mind when commitment, responsibility and sharing goes together.

B. Ramana said...

Amma!
What a readership and what participation!
I agree that marriage is an artificial creation of man rather than a natural culmination. And on top of that, we are culturally brainwashed to keep a marriage alive at any cost. Why else would a woman put up with a man's incessant BS?
If one's partner reflects one's values, then all this adjustment, expectation, etc. become minor. But yenakku theriyadhu if I am making any sense to you...

sree said...

AMIT

Hello Amit :)

if you start expecting less in life//
generally in life , the success or failure of a venture is usually in our hands...its only in marriage that things are not completely in our control.
Its like placing our happiness in another's hands :(
So expecting less becomes even more important before saying 'I do' .

See yaa , Amit

sree said...

ENGA PARTNER :)

Hey Kootaalee...
First message ! //
ooooohhh!!!
Hurraaay :)

u have boosted my pride :)

appuram konda kadala kozhambu epdee ?

Next we are having paruppu paayasam :) I love it :)

see yaa Partner !

sree said...

Hey Partner ....
solla marandhuteney....namba gummi ya enga eppo vechukka porom..clear aa sollungo..vandhudaren ;)

sree said...

Hey Adiya...
:) eppadi neeinga chinna payana scar pannuringa.. //
ayyooo...Adiyaa...idhu ungala maari SAMARTHU kku illai :P

experiment pannittu solluran.. i donna have much comment on this.. //
sollunga sollunga..we are all ears ;) :))

I wish the very best for u , Adiyaa :)

Tag pathi..its ok..take ur own time..one suggestion..why dont u ask someone else ;) to write 8 facts about u ?

how is life ?//
great :) thanks :)

unga pakoda pottalam maari posts miss pannarom :P

sree said...

KRYSTYNA

Hello Krystyna :)

Welcome here :)
I want to wish you the best!
And Congratulations!!!
You write wonderful posts. //
oh, thanks a tonne !
will see u at ur blog :)

Keep coming :)

Voracious Blog Reader said...

Partnerrrr,

Nice to read your message.

//
u have boosted my pride :)
//

Tnx.

//
appuram konda kadala kozhambu epdee ?
//

Wow. great.

//
Next we are having paruppu paayasam :) I love it :)
//

Fantastic. slurp slurp.

//
solla marandhuteney....namba gummi ya enga eppo vechukka porom..clear aa sollungo..vandhudaren ;)
//

Have decided already where to gummify. :) :)

Am waiting for you. Will let you know the usual way (sentence can be decrypted only by you). Hee hee.

Take care partner.

We will gear ourselves up soon.

Voracious Blog Reader

sree said...

THIRU

ey Kuruvi..chittu kuruvi.. :)
Parandheengaley adhaan sonnen :))

Yeah..marriage is an arrangement designed by man.
I am reminded of ankur's joke that goes like "to be completely happy in marriage a man needs 3 women with diff qualities and one shd not know about the existence of the others"
We come with so much rosy dreams that realising them becomes a difficult task.
Thiru , even if there is equality and financial independence there are some marriages which lack basic compatibility that any amount of adjustment wld be futile.

to live up with the longing to share love between the couple.//
that's a prerequisite !

BTW does this comment correspond to your post?! //
ofcourse !

but when was the last time we stuck to the topic in the original post ;)

homework baaki irukku, solliten :P

sree said...

Koootaaleeee :P

Have decided already where to gummify. :) :) //
ahaaa...kai nama nama ingradhu :P
indha vaati gummo gummudhaan ;)

Am waiting for you. Will let you know the usual way (sentence can be decrypted only by you). Hee hee.//
ogay ogay :)ippo wait pannindu irukela ?

Take care partner. //
u too pangaali :)

We will gear ourselves up soon.
//
naan ready :)

sree said...

SARAVANSIVAN

Hey Saravan :)
How are u ?

expectations change from time to time as we sail //
actually the change shd be mutual and one shd grow in the relationship so its easier to accomodate changes.

i believe in "poruthar boomi alwar.."After all life is always beautiful and no one is a loser here..//
Sorry to disillusion u , Saravan...but it does'nt work that way !
On the contrary the victim shd be advised to put an end to intolerable absurd and sadistic behavior.

ennudaiya thaazhmaayaana karuthu.. //

Unga meinmaiyaana karuthukku nandri :)

See yaa , Saravan !

தூயா said...

Hmmm very true
one must be ready to take both plus and minus...
good post

sree said...

CURIOUS

Hey Curious :)

epdee irukeenga ?
How is everyone at home?

//marriages (love or arranged) have become tuff with the present lifestyle… //
unga vaayila badam halwa dhaan podanum :)
bang on ! correctaa soneenga.

will obviously become good marriages… //
illapaa...some things like domestic violence never change.

..Kandipa..edhadhu oru vidhathule.. "regret" mattum kandipaa ella marriages liyum iruku! //
yes...idhuvum correct..I am yet to meet a girl who does'nt complain abt her marriage.

see yaa , pal :)

sree said...

JEEVAN

Hey Jeevs....
How are u ?
Inga yaarukko B'day varudhu :P ellarkkum sollidanum :P

ya Jeevs...absolutely right.
There is nothing like bringing out issues in the open...its always best to put all cards on the table and then come to an understanding.

thanks Jeevs...u r one of a kind :) shrek maari ;)
btw...How is Dachu?

sree said...

PRIYA

Hello Priya...
How are u ?
Saw ur comments in Sowmya's blog...always enjoy ur views :)

it doesn't mean love stays forever. It can also fade when you become distant in
relationship, thoughts and how its wave length. //
ya..u r right. Its important to keep the relationship alive and fresh lest boredom wld push them apart .
It need a great deal of work from both the parties.

See ya , Priya :)
take care .

sree said...

B.RAMANA

Hey Doc :)

Happy to see ur comment here :)

What a readership and what participation! //
occationally 'thayir vadais' also gets sold :P
:))

I agree that marriage is an artificial creation of man rather than a natural culmination. //
I always thought humans were a possessive lot and that was what lead to the institution of marriage.
And since its based on this basic nature of mankind , it shd work admirably.

And on top of that, we are culturally brainwashed to keep a marriage alive at any cost. Why else would a woman put up with a man's incessant BS? //
yes , Doc...its a sad truth.
But sometimes there comes a breaking point..a point where one loses trust and acquires a repulsive attitude towards their partner , its a point of no return.
I strongly feel that the couple should be honest with each other and also patch up the problems when the smallest crack is detected.

If one's partner reflects one's values, then all this adjustment, expectation, etc. become minor. //
When there is 'value' , where is conflict ?
and its also easy to adjust with a person with values.

But yenakku theriyadhu if I am making any sense to you... //
ofcoure it does :)

Thanks , Doc :)
take care :)

sree said...

THOOYA

Hey Thooyaa..
How are u ?
How is life ?

one must be ready to take both plus and minus...//
yes thooya..that is the gist of this post :)
one shd have an open mind and not assume that the relationship wld be a bed of roses. One has to expect anything and be prepared.

good post //
Oh thank u Thooya :)
and thanks for everything :)

Sowmya said...

hi sree,

Nice post :)

Life is the battle of survival. Not only in marriages, We feel, life is full of miseries and a kind of dissatisfaction even when we live with our parents, brothers and sisters. But there, We are able to accept the fact and we liberally allow their mistakes and even if we find some problem with the relationship, we are ready to deal it with some soft corner. The main reason, we do all this, is because we don’t choose our parents, and our siblings. We don’t expect more things from the family. We used to adopt the environment and other relations as it exists. So we find it comfortable even , some troubles come within the family members. We just accept our people as they are. There, the love exists.

But In the case of marriage, We have to choose the spouse. While we choose things or a relationship, we can do it only with lot of expectations. The expectations leads the relationship in marriage, whereas the acceptance leads the relationship with the siblings and with the parents.

Love is possible only with the acceptance. That’s why, most of the love marriages are successful. People starts their life with their spouse whom they love and like to accept them as they are. The same is possible with arranged marriages too. People who prepared their mind to get into the new relationship, are able to face the consequence. So even here, the relationship is formed with acceptance.

As per sree’s views, some are struggling in their married life, because, they don’t feel the acceptance and there is no possibility of love with out it. So they become self centered to decide to continue or discontinue the relationship with their spouse.

Prasad said...

thank god um pretty far frm this scenario!

B. Ramana said...

I think Sree should close this thread for comments and start writing another post. Move it! ;-)
Really, I am really amazed at this level of participation. You should think of joining politics if you can motivate participation so much. Imagine how many people would jump into the Koovam if you wanted them to, to protest about the Cauvery issue or why they don't serve Madrasi filter coffee during breakfast in Rashtrapati Bhavan!!

C*h*i*l*l said...

Enakku Oru Unma Therinjaaganum....













Neengalo - Single Wood - Thani Katta( No Pun Intended)













Pinne Enna Marriage, Relationships and Seperation paththi oru post?













What inspired you to write this post? :)

B. Ramana said...

Very interesting question posed by Chill. Romba piduchchu du!!

Sree's Views said...

hey..Modhalla Chillsukum Ram(Doc) kkum reply..

Chill...neenga ungalukkaaga s/w ezhudhi irukeengala ?

Ram...How many laproscopic surgeries have u undergone ?

;-)

Sree's Views said...

Hey Ram...
I know a women in the verge of divorce taking Zosert everyday and is on regular sedatives...
Is'nt it but natural that it would prompt this post in me ?

Sree's Views said...

Hooiii Chilluu...
Enakku Oru Unma Therinjaaganum....//
katta viral dabbaala irukka ? =))

Neengalo - Single Wood - Thani Katta( No Pun Intended) //
namba ellam orey kuttaila oorna matta (pun intended) ;-)

'sudukaada' pathi ezhudha sethaa poida mudiyum :))

What inspired you to write this post? :)
I have seen many divorce cases , but never seen what they go throo.
When I saw my friend go throo hell , I woke upto reality.

Sree's Views said...

SOWMYA

Sowmya dear ,
How are u ? neenga varuveengalaanu waiting paa :)

Sowms...I wont agree that we put up with our siblings just becos we did not have choice and so we expect less.
I think that the feeling of 'forever' with one's spouse is what gives that jittery feeling.
One can live away from one's parents yet continue the relationship ,ditto with the siblings. But there is absolutely no relationship when the partners are living seperately.

// As per sree’s views, some are struggling in their married life, because, they don’t feel the acceptance and there is no possibility of love with out it. So they become self centered to decide to continue or discontinue the relationship with their spouse. //
I am saying that certain aspects cannot be accepted and one has to be prepared to fact the eventuality.
But otherwise where it comes to trivial matters or day to day affairs , I think one shd understand and accept their partner.

Thanks , Sowms :) enna weekend ensssooiii panniteengala ?

Sree's Views said...

PRASAD

Hello Prasad..
Welcome here :)

thank god um pretty far frm this scenario! //
way to go , Pal..
ensoooiii :)

Sree's Views said...

B.RAMANA

Hello Ram...
This kind of participation depends on the topic and not motivated by the writer. Or that is how I like to believe.
( I love if it is othewise :p )

Cauvery issue does'nt interest me..but cleaning Koovam wld ! Do u think I shd give it a try ? I mean protesting not jumping :P

Oh..Madras filter coffee for breakfast in RB ? How sad ! How can one call it a breakfast without our drink ?

Next post...first day , first show...Monday morning ;)

C*h*i*l*l said...

Ramana, Sree's Technique is very simple. She writes a controversial blogpost and goes around visiting 50-100 blogs posting comments. Naturally, people start getting inquisitive by a remotely feminine name and start visiting and pouring in their comments.

Adrass Adrass ( Adraasakkai) Sree. Kalakkreenga Ponga.

Sowmya said...

hello chill,


Why you feel this much of jealous Who stopped you ,to comment on 250 blogs to get more number of people to reply to you in your blog. Better you can check each and every name of the blogger, whether they belong to the same gender.

A Competent and self confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

Take care.

Sree's Views said...

SOWMYA

Hey Sowms...
Thanks for that ! Very accurate diagnosis.

But I guess we'll ignore it !

Chill said...

Sree,

Orey oru comment adichathukku bodyguard ellam set panni vechirukkeenga? :)

Soumya Madam,

Naanum sreeum appo appo kalaichikkivom. Naan avangala kindal panrathum... avanga enna padu mosa kindal panrathum pazhakkamaave pochu engalukkul... Etho ramanan kaetta kelvi kku wit adicha.. ungalukku yen amma intha raththa veri?:p

//A Competent and self confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.// Enakku intha alavukku englise ellam theriyaathu thaayi...:)

sahasra said...

Gud post!!!
The narration is too good...Ya,I truly agree with U.
Prepare for the worst,then even BAD appears GOOD for us.....

nitin said...

hi sree...

where are u ? seems too busy...

sree said...

SAHASRA

Prepare for the worst,then even BAD appears GOOD for us..... //
exactly !

How are u Sahasra?
enti..tag raasaara?
looks like u r busy :)
thanks Sahasra !

sree said...

NITIN

hey Nitin
Its always the case during weekends.
So how are u ?

Siva Jayaraman said...

a very apt topic for today's scenario... really sorry state of affairs as things are going from bad to worse...intolerance, eroding culture and values,work stress coupled with financial independence are the key reasons for the exponential increase of divorce in the current days..i just read a news which talks about alarming increase of divorce.
http://www.newindpress.com/NewsItems.asp?ID=IE920070723014714&Page=9&Title=Chennai&Topic=0&

Siva Jayaraman said...

looks like the link dint get through...
http://www.newindpress.com/
NewsItems.asp?ID=IE920070723014714
&Page=9&Title=Chennai&Topic=0&

sahasra said...

I was quiet busy these days...
Inka tag rayali Sree....I'll let u know once it's done...

Sree's Views said...

SIVA JAYARAMAN

hello Siva :)
I have visited ur blog from Nitin's.
U have a nice blog !

a very apt topic for today's scenario... really sorry state of affairs as things are going from bad to worse...intolerance, eroding culture and values,work stress coupled with financial independence are the key reasons for the exponential increase of divorce in the current days..i just read a news which talks about alarming increase of divorce.//
very accurately summed up .
you have put it neatly in a nutshell :)

thanks Siva :)

Sree's Views said...

SAHASRA

Hey Sahasra..


I was quiet busy these days...
Inka tag rayali Sree....I'll let u know once it's done... //
oh no probs Sahasra..take ur own time :)

Augustin said...

Appappa!
Enna oru readrship!!

Sree Paatti!

Nalla topic select panningo!!

My views are

1. There has to be a compromise in every one's married life. Be it arranged or love. No one gets everything always in life.
2. Never trying to be so so frank and open to your spouse always - recently read some where abt this. This might create some problem.
3.In arranged marriages, people get scared of parents, in-laws, relatives and soceity coz' you both are solemnized by a common rituals by the junta. But in love marriage, you are the king and you think whever you decide is final, no one is there to question. Just put yourself in to spouses' shoes, things will become alright.
4. Over posseiveness: Never try to be over possesive abt your spouse. The common unwritten rule in india is a husband man can have as many friends of opposite sex and the wife can not have one. Wrong.
5. Never forget the past. How one goes after the spouse between the engagement and marriage (romanctic talk over phone during the licensed love period) in case of arranged marriage and during the period of love. We talk all blah blah and and commit ( You are my eyes and I will do anything for u - kind) before marriage. But after certain years, all these are off. Wrong!
6. Setting the expectation: Be real. During the love period you show your partner that you are somehting and after marriage you show what u really are. This shatters the expectations which create a slow hating business.
7.Align yourself to your spouse's fair expectations.e.g. AFter marriage, spouse expects the better half to dress/behave in a prticular way, pls do it as long as it maker him/her happy.
8. Give and take: You winsome and loose some. You do not need to be the winner always. Let your better half win sometimes. Remember the deer story.( One husband and wife deers went to take water from the small pond. there is only little water. The male deer thought let the female deer have and the female deer also thought the same way... they were pretending as if they are drinking... u all know this story)
9.Sharing the responsibilities: The working women think that the husband has to share a lot of work and responsibilities since she is working. So many males do not understand this. Share with them and give a shoulder to all.
10. Working women earn more than men: The working women should stop countign their money if they earn more than their hubby. The high earning women should not treat the low earning husband bad. And the low earning husband should not have inferiority complex. I heard in US, there are a lot of jobless Indian husbands do house work like cooking, baby sitting, cleaning and the wife goes for job. The wife, in-laws and the relatives should not make fun of the poor guy. Mind you all, this is vice versa also. The housewife should never be treated badly just coz' she does not bring money to home.

These are just my thoughts and need not be 10 commandmends! These are my experience in life.

Gigi said...

Nice post and well written.

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